Not Another Crappy Legolas Romance Fic!
by Chibi-Gollum
Summary: A parody of Crappy Legolas Romance Fics Everywhere. Read it. Review it. Go on with your day.
1. The Entrance

**Not Another Crappy Legolas Romance Fic!  Episode One**

by Chibi-Gollum

A/N: A parody of all those crappy Legolas Romance Fics.  You know.

Disclaimer:  LotR me no owny.

~*~*~*~*~

            "Fine!" yelled Christalina to her parents as she stomped upstairs to her room.  Christalina was a gorgeous 16-year old girl.  Like mahogany wood, rich and beautiful was her long straight hair.  Her football-shaped periwinkle eyes were filled with tears.  She was wearing an extremely tight yellow tanktop and black pants.

            Christalina flopped down on her bed.  "Why won't my parents let me go to a movie?!" she said angrily.  She rolled over and fell off her bed, and to her surprise, through a warp-hole in her floor.

            "I really don't think that was there yesterday," she said.  "Oh well."

~*~*~*~*~

            It was a fine day.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the air smelled like warm root beer, and the Fellowship of the Ring was walking through a field of sunflowers.

            "My keen Elvish Senses have picked up a distress signal," said Legolas.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

                "I don't hear anything," said Aragorn.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Wait… wait, no… I think I hear it," Pippin remarked.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"I hear it too," said Sam.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Yes, indeed… It sounds like a cry of fear and despair," commented Legolas casually.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Another one?" sighed Frodo.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *oof*"

            "Yes," said Boromir, who is inexplicably NOT DEAD, "I think I DID hear something."

            "Let us go investigate," said Legolas.

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: You like?  Review, pleez.  Or I shall hunt you down and kill you.  Heeheehee.


	2. The Meeting

**Not Another Crappy Legolas Romance Fic!  Episode Two**

**by Chibi-Gollum**

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Christalina stood up.  "Ow," she commented wisely.  She was in a field of sunflowers.  She looked around.  An Orc ran towards her.  Christalina ran screaming in the other direction, with the Orc chasing her.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            The Fellowship saw this scene.  Legolas, suddenly, and without any reasonable explanation, fell in love with Christalina.  Legolas raised his bow, and, using his exceptional Elvish aiming ability, killed it in one shot.  Legolas did the chicken dance in celebration of his great victory, then walked over to the beautiful girl.

            "Hello," he said, "my name is Legolas."

            "Legless?  Like, you don't have any legs?  That's weird.  But so very sexy."

            Legolas didn't know how to respond to something like that.

            "Anyway, my name is Christalina Franchesca Louisa Brittany Bobolala Celencio Alexandra Angela Cosma Ellen Helen Heather Elizabeth Emily Moonbeam Starlight, but you can call me Chris."  Her eyes glittered.  Legolas's heart skipped a beat.  He fell on the ground motionless.

            "HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!" screamed Frodo.  "SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!!!"

            Christalina flipped her hair over her shoulder.  "I know CPR, I saw it on Baywatch once!"  She knelt down beside Legolas and began pounding frantically on his chest.

            The Fellowship stared.  "Call me naïve, but I don't think she's doing it right," commented Boromir.

            "Shh," said Frodo.  "She's beautiful, charming, charismatic, and perfect in every way.  I don't think we should question her."

            _It's not working,_ thought Christalina in distress.  _I knew I should have paid more attention to that show!  But I just can't figure out how to run in slow motion, and even if I could, I don't think it would help right now… What do I do?_  She bent down and kissed him.

            Sam looked at Frodo gaily.  And I mean that in the worst possible way.

            Frodo looked away nervously.

            Legolas woke up.  _She's so beautiful, _he thought.  _Pretty dumb… but beautiful._

            Suddenly, he came to his senses.  "How's my hair?!" he asked, worried.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            So Christalina Franchesca Louisa Brittany Bobolala Celencio Alexandra Angela Cosma Ellen Helen Heather Elizabeth Emily Moonbeam Starlight joined the Fellowship of the Ring.

            "So," she asked Legolas as they walked, "where am I?"

            "You're in Middle-earth," he replied.

            "Middle-earth?  You mean, the middle of the earth?  Cause I did fall through a hole in the floor, and I did think there was more lava in the middle of the earth, cause I read that book called Journey to the Center of the Earth, and there was a lot more lava there, but I guess not here, I guess."

            _She's kind of an idiot,_ Legolas thought to himself.  _The kind of idiot I could spend the rest of my life with._

            Christalina's eyes teared up.  "I wanna go HOME!  I miss my mom, and my dad, and my cat Bazooka, and my dog Zamboni, and my friends, and my hamsters, and my fishes, and my turtles, and my mascara, and the MALL!!!  I don't think I'll EVER get home!!!"  _This is TOO PERFECT!!!_ she thought, supressing a grin.  _A hot guy at my every beck and call, and NO PARENTS!!!  But I have to play on his emotions… hmm…_

            She collapsed wailing into Legolas's arms… or, she meant to, anyway.

            THUD.

            "Whoops… were you trying to collapse into my arms?  I wasn't really watching… are you okay?"

            Chris stood up and felt a sharp pain in her ankle.  She cried out in pain.

            "What is it?" Legolas asked worriedly.

            "It's my ankle… I think I sprained it…"

            "Really?  Let me carry you the rest of the way.  We'll be stopping for the night in a few minutes, and then we'll see what we can do."

            Legolas lifted Chris onto his back.

            _Heeheeheeeee… it's working… Maybe he'll bandage my ankle with his shirt, or sleep with me…_

            "Comfy?" he asked.

            "Yes.  Very."  _Heeheeheeeeeeeeee…_

~*~*~*~*~*~


	3. The First Move

**Not Another Crappy Legolas Romance Fic!  Episode Three**

**by Chibi-Gollum**

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Everyone was asleep, except for Chris and Legolas.  They were sitting on a log next to the fire.

            "Look, I'm really sorry about that whole… making you sprain your ankle… thing," said Legolas.

            "Oh, that's okay, I'm much better now.  But I think you'll have to carry me the rest of the way."

            Legolas shifted uncomfortably.  "Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about… ya see, I can't really have you tagging along with us."

            She teared up again.  "Why?"

            Legolas could not resist her mind-controlling… I mean, beauty.  Yeah.  "Never mind.  You can come."

            "Good! Now you must have some of this food I brought with me."  She took a bag of heart candies out of her pocket.

            "Where did those come from?"

            "Don't ask.  Just read."  She took one out of the bag and handed it to him.

            Legolas read the half of the candy confusedly.  "Ven?  What on earth does that mean?"

            Chris quickly handed him another one.

            "Let it be?"

            Another.

            "U R A Star?  What?"

            Another.

            "Peace?"

            Another.

            "Dream girl!?"

            Chris sighed.  _This isn't working…_

She tackled him onto the ground, attempting to kiss him.  Unfortunately, his head fell into the fire.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!"

            Legolas ran around with his beautiful hair going up in flames.  Everyone was now awake, due to his screaming.  Gandalf shot a beam of water at Legolas's head, but unfortunately, all but the top three inches was singed off.  He sat back down next to her.  Everyone glared at them, but fell back asleep.  She had a nasty feeling she would never live this down.

            "Sorry," murmured Chris.

            "Don't worry.  It grows back quickly."

            "How quickly?"

            "It'll be back by morning.  It's a gift."

            Chris moped.  _I guess I got us off to a bad start…_

            "Anyway," Legolas continued, "consider it payback for that… ankle spraining thing."

~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
